I’ve been thinking about the idioms “diving into the deep end” and “jumping into the deep end”. They certainly convey the idea of doing something new and being unprepared. That concept fits what I’m facing, but the truth is, I don’t feel like I’m diving or jumping. I feel like I’ve been pushed. It feels like I’ve been pushed into the deep end. There’s no rush of adrenaline for me right now. There isn’t the rush I felt when riding the ripcord with my son and youngest daughter. That was a choice I made. It did seem a bit foolish as we reached the top and the cord had to be pulled. This is different. I didn’t choose this, nor would I. No one would.
In thinking over these phrases I was taken back to when our kids were very young. Our next door neighbors had a nice in ground pool they let us use. On one particular day, my husband and I decided it was time for our oldest (but still young) daughter to face her fears and jump off the board into the deep end. She wasn’t very old as I look back on it. She was a capable swimmer and we were sure this was good for her. I stood with her on the board but her little body wouldn’t jump. Her dad was waiting in the pool, treading water so he could catch her. We waited, begged, pleaded and even bribed her to jump off the board. Nothing doing. Her dad continued to tread water. Finally the decision was made for her. She was going in. (If it’s any consolation, she is fine and a very capable and adventurous young lady now!) I think back to how she didn’t have a choice. Sometimes life is like that. (I’m not justifying our parenting decision with that statement! Probably not our finest parenting moment.) What I’m visualizing is her dad treading and treading. Waiting and ready to catch her. And he did catch her.
Do I need to offer my faith disclaimer? If so — this is where it goes. Faith is all over this one and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone. If you don’t like to read about someone’s faith (in this case, mine) then don’t read on or read on knowing it’s coming and you’ll have to deal with it.
I am being pushed into the deep. Cancer is a depth that you don’t choose willingly. No one would. Right now I don’t know how deep it is. The not knowing is a little scary if I allow myself to think on it too long. It’s a lot scary at moments. This is where I have to choose to think on what I know. I think on what I know to be true! I’m going into the deep waters, going through the deep waters, but the truth I know is that my Father will catch me. He will be with me. That is good to know.
Knowing this does not change my circumstances right now. Knowing this does not magically or mystically establish a new set of rules when it comes to surgery or cancer treatment. Knowing this does assure me that God is with me no matter how deep it gets. I don’t have all the answers and I certainly can’t explain why I have to go through this or why anyone else does. I also can’t explain all that I’m to learn through this. I’m not worried about learning anything right now. I’m focusing on (or trying my very best) what is before me, knowing He is with me. I need to do the next thing, knowing He is with me.
It could get deeper in the near future. We are praying it doesn’t. I would prefer the swim would get easier for me and my family. Last night was hard for awhile. My reality is not of my choosing and I firmly stated, “I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!” My husband agreed when I said, “THIS IS SO WRONG!” The feelings are still there this morning, but I’m thankful those moments aren’t taking over. I’m thankful for what I do know while in the deep end. I know the God of Isaiah 43:2 and He is with me.
I still have my list of things that could be classified as “jumping into the deep end”. The list has grown in the last two weeks. But those are things of my choosing. They are adventures and risks that are waiting for me. Adventures that involve something new and unknown. Risks, ones I classify as good risks, that prompt me to remember I’ve traveled unfamiliar roads before. A deep end. A deep end that may help me see the world a little differently. God will be with me through those as well.
Prayers are appreciated as we continue to navigate the deep waters.
Surgery has been moved up two hours. Thursday at 7:30 a.m. the waters get a little deeper.