Happy to be Mad


Last night, the 50th Anniversary Sound of Music Special aired and like many, I watched, smiled and sang along.  I smiled a lot. There is something remarkable about that movie. It holds a special place in the hearts of many.  There is something personal about that movie to me. It’s Austria! I left part of my heart there thirty-three years ago. The year that most likely impacted my life the most, was spent in Austria.

I remember taking a packed VW van from Niederösterreich (lower Austria) to spend the day in Salzburg. We had saved our money and our day off for this adventure. It was winter and the snow and cool air made the city all the more magical. My friends and I explored the city and paved our own Sound of Music tour, finding the back of the house where the canoe tipped over, the gazebo (which we could go inside back in 1983) and the church in Mondsee. It was a moment of many that allowed Austria to capture my heart.

Only mention Vienna or the Vienna Woods to me if you have plenty of time and are willing to listen to someone go on and on. I’ll be smiling, I guarantee it! And the people who shared that year — you remain so important to me!  

Five years ago, a dream came true as I was able to revisit Salzburg with my family. On one of our days there we split up and I sent the guys off to tour a salt mine. It is Salzburg after all! soundof music1The girls and I took a guided Sound of Music Tour. It was beautiful! It was The Sound of Music! It was Austria! It was also a little cheesy, but still worth the experience!

DSCF8780 DSCF8819soundof music3

I could write on and on about the feelings I had sharing those moments with my girls. If it’s on your bucket list, I encourage you to make it happen. It’s Austria! It’s worth it! I had a wealth of emotions rush through me last night as I watched the special on TV and relived that day. I wanted to return and starting dreaming of the next trip.

As I was laying in bed trying to slow my mind down last night, I found myself thinking in German. I’m not sure thinking in German really slowed my mind down.

I still think it’s pretty cool when that happens.  🙂 The thinking in German, that is. And I still get hooked up on prepositions (prepositions are tricky in a second language) and promised myself I would double check the usage of a couple of preps today.I still need to do that.

Anyway, as I was thinking auf Deutsch  (in German), I was planning the next trip to Austria in my head and  I found myself getting angry. I was mad that this stupid cancer was getting in the way.

Spring would be a great time to go and I bet I could talk my brother and sister-in-law into going, or maybe my folks and I know Laura will be gone, but Meg would go. I wonder if Cole & Emily could go? I could go take another short course again and then meet up with these guys. If not everyone wanted to stay as long, I could take Meg and go to Vienna. Dad has talked of Prague, we could go there as well. And then, Bavaria!

Some of you may think, is she crazy? Take a trip like that on such short notice? Oh, I have done it before and would do it again!

All of this planning, dreaming and scheming was abruptly interrupted by this stupid cancer. I can’t go now because treatment will be starting sometime in the next few weeks and there won’t be time to go between treatments.I can’t go now because I don’t have control over this timeline. I can’t go now.

It was somewhere in these thoughts that I stopped and thought, I’m mad that cancer is such an inconvenience! (And, it is so much more than that) I’m not feeling scared, I’m feeling mad. I’m not feeling tired, I’m feeling mad. I’m not even feeling strong, I’m just mad! But what struck me was that I wasn’t so much feeling mad that I have cancer (and I’m certainly not happy about it! I am in no way happy about it!) but I was feeling mad because it was temporarily getting in the way of something I want to do. There was an awareness that this is temporary. This is temporary! I was smiling again even though I was still mad.


One thought on “Happy to be Mad

  1. Hi Diane; I am enjoying your blog and appreciate your sharing your feelings so freely. I have no inkling that I will ever travel to Austria but the last time our granddaughter Rebekah was here she asked me where in the world I would like to visit and Austria was my first answer. I only know what I’ve seen in pictures and of course just a few times of watching “The Sound of Music”, but such beautiful country!
    So I hope you will be able to fulfill that dream again soon.
    Our love and prayers for God’s healing of the cancer and keep on singing!
    Aunt Betty

    Liked by 1 person

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