I’ve mentioned before that I am mercy driven. I’m one who feels deeply. To many this may sound trite or insignificant. It’s a continuing process to accept that response, but as someone who fits most of the characteristics that describe an empath, this does not surprise me.
I feel joy at a high level and I feel pain at a deep, deep level. I am not looking for sympathy or analysis from those comments. I’m just processing and setting the stage.
For some time now, weary would be one of the adjectives that would describe my spirit. There is still a joy that exists and I hope still emanates, but in truth, I’m weary. I have been going through the paces for the events of the holidays. I won’t say I’m just going through the motions, because there is a desire to be present and to participate. There is a desire to maintain the traditions and to participate in the joy of giving. Thankfully there is not a desire to sit this one out or withdraw. (My heart hurts for those who find themselves there.)
My heart is still functioning, feeling at full level — that mercy thing doesn’t shut off. It’s not a Grinch issue of needing my heart to grow a size or two. I don’t know how one would measure the weariness. Life continues and as it does, it’s hard at times.
Participating in holiday gatherings and laughing with friends continues to lighten my heart. I continue to be glad I did the next thing. I fall asleep counting my blessings (and yes, the White Christmas reference is intentional!)
Years ago I was taught that sometimes you do things because you know in your head it’s the right thing to do, even if your heart isn’t in it. Sometimes your head and your heart are not in sync.
Sometimes the heart needs a little more time to catch up.
I have BIG issues with the whole “passion” movement — you know, find your passion and you’ll be happy — but that’s a whole other topic, probably a book.
Sometimes, you do the next thing because it’s what there is to do.
Today, after attending a joy filled gathering with friends, I went to run a quick holiday errand. As I made my way to the car, fighting the fierce wind, I found myself running the mental list of what was left to accomplish. I was glad my parking place was close. As a van paused in the parking lot, I assumed the driver was waiting for me to leave so she could have this prime spot. I remember thinking, she’ll have to wait a sec while I put the cart away and as I walked back from the cart stall I noticed the driver opening her door. She got out and helped a little one out of the car seat, while the car remained in the middle of the parking lot. As a sweet little girl, dressed snugly in her pink coat, approached me, I wondered what was going on. At this moment I heard the mom say, “this is the lady you wanted to give it to, she just put her cart away.”
This sweet little girl handed me a precious gift. She gave me a small container filled with candy bars and wished me a “Merry Christmas!”
This is where I think I can understand a little of what the Grinch felt physically (maybe it’s just the empath in me) when his heart did grow.
I asked this sweet child her name and if, with her mom’s permission, I could give her a hug. Her name is Millie and I’m pretty sure that’s an angel’s name. I said, “you’ve made my heart so happy!” I thanked her and told her I would share with my friends. Her mom smiled and said that is exactly what Millie said when she picked me out from their car. She told her mom, “she can share them with her friends.”
Tears flowed freely the whole way home and I thought, my heart just caught up.