Let’s Pretend This Moment Never Happened

I cannot remember when this step in my journey began, but it seems appropriate to write about it and share on this blog. Pieces are connected to my cancer story and to various posts already shared. Some time in the past year, I had a tooth extracted. It is the second tooth extracted that was beyond repair, as both were probably weakened by chemo treatment. Regardless, they needed to go. As a result, I began the tooth implant process, which led me to a great periodontist, which in turn led me to a great ENT, which led me to a great audiologist and soon, I’ll go back to the periodontist.

In discovering some sinus issues, which I didn’t know were present, the periodontist requested a consult with an ENT. Thankful to get in quickly with this doctor, I was treated for the sinus issues and I was eager for the hearing test that was scheduled shortly after that appointment. I was not surprised in the least that I had hearing loss and learned more about my auditory processing disorder which had been diagnosed some years earlier. When the audiologist found significant disparity in loss between my ears, the ENT recommended an MRI to rule out a neuroma. Given the disparity, and maybe my health history, this was the plan. Okay, I thought, I can do that.

Sitting in my car after that appointment, my eyes began to leak. That’s one of the descriptions my husband uses for tears. I didn’t want to revisit anything associated with anything called an “oma”. Even though the doc felt it would be a benign neuroma, if there was one, I don’t like “omas.” Within an hour, the appointment for the MRI of my brain was scheduled. It would happen in a couple of days. Those days were rather hard. I revisited my lessons of “sticking with what I know” and not jumping ahead to the unknown. Only, this time I knew more. A couple of years after cancer, I had experienced tests that led to a surgery of another unknown. Thankfully, all was benign that go around. But knowing some of the routes cancer takes, it’s hard to consider having another go of it.

I’ll be honest — I don’t want my story to be of repeated health scares and crises. It’s harder each time to figure out what to say to the kids and to “stick with what I know”. I don’t think my life, even the last almost SIX years, has been FULL of health scares — and I’m thankful — but there have been heightened health moments. My life has been full of great moments, adventurous moments, quiet moments, routine moments, moments worth celebrating, sad moments and happy moments. But the moments feel a little larger now when certain words are used. Some of those health related words, take my breath away. But just for a moment.

The brain MRI went smoothly and spoiler alert — I have a brain and no evidence of any neuroma or concern. My eyes leaked a lot with that report!!! During the days of waiting for the MRI and results, my husband may have heard me sing “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz. Humor helps, but in truth, it was not fun.

We can’t pretend none of this happened and as a physician friend once told me, ignoring “it” (a health concern) does not make it go away. I’m thankful for great medical care and the availability for tests that found the sinus issues, which brings me to today.

Friday I received a new companion.

I’m still getting used to this friend and am realizing as I write this, that perhaps I should name my new hearing aid. A few people knew I was getting this thing and asked how I felt about it. Overall, I’m very excited. Feel free to submit name suggestions.

Given that I wear my hair down 99% of the time, this thing won’t be visible — and it’s so small. Amazing. So why am I telling you? I don’t know. Maybe cause it’s part of my journey. Maybe because it will help you understand why perhaps I haven’t responded when you spoke to me — I didn’t hear you. Maybe it will explain if I have been speaking too loudly. Maybe because I’m excited about it and thankful for a brain with a clear scan.

Amazing!

Today on a car ride with my husband, I told him that one of the biggest adjustments I’m having with this hearing aid, is deciding which alter ego I will use. This is sort of how the conversation went: How do I let people know if I’m now a musician/rockstar wearing an ear piece? If I’m a part of secret service with my ear piece , then obviously I can’t tell them that. The same holds if I’m a spy or going undercover and being fed information with my ear piece. And this thing has so many tech features, that I may need to start wearing command gold shirts as I kind of feel like a Star Fleet officer. At this point my husband said “Let’s pretend this moment never happened!” I chuckled and asked if he was in fact proud of me for all of those thoughts and he replied “100%.”

Doing my best to keep you guessing?

Thankful for moments.